am i alone??

“Hey, we are in Coorg. By mistake your bike key is with us,” said Arpit (or was it Ravi) over phone. I could not believe my ears; I came out of the shop to hear it once more. It was around 8 pm on 30^th Dec. I was to reach Bangalore the next day around 6pm. And really was looking forward at some Celebration at home. These words came as a shock to me. But my ears had not done any mistake, what I heard was true. Ravi (or was it Arpit) reiterated it for me.

I was kind of dumb stuck. What will I do in Bangalore, all alone; that too on a New Year eve? It was too difficult to think about anything. My home will be empty. Most of the friends were out of town. And it was too late for me to make any plan. Desperation loomed my face and I told Ravi (or was it Arpit), “let me see, I shall try to join you guys in Coorg once I am in Bangalore.” I thought I would take the first available bus and reach Coorg. I cut the call and then went back with Gunjan. We were shopping for his marriage functions. It was something I have never been part of in last few years, so I tried to bemuse myself with the shopping and festive mood.

In mean time I called one of my friends over there in Bangalore to ask about their plans. Somehow I tried to fit myself in any program. Got a positive reply and I felt bit relaxed.

In night and in morning in my flight to Mumbai, I thought about everything again. Why did I behave in so much a desperate way? I indeed found the reason. I am afraid of being alone. It was not about a screwed up New Year celebration plan, but was about my insecurities. Four years in hostel and then almost two out of it, my life has changed a lot. I have always been surrounded by friends. I spent each and every moment with these people. Emotionally my family was farther than the physical distance. Friends have become indispensable part of my life. Today I am afraid of leaving Bangalore, coz then I will have to leave all these people behind. I still remember my last day in college, how I cried in my heart about it. And here I was almost in a similar situation. All alone.

I discussed it with Rout in Mumbai. He is living all alone in Mumbai, and he is enjoying. So I thought why I can’t do that same. So on my flight back to Bangalore; I decided to spend the evening with myself.

I reached Bangalore, called some friends and then settled myself in my home. Ate a nice dinner, talked with my cook for sometime. Then put on my favorite music (I have been listing to Engima a lot off late), took my book and started reading. I don’t remember when I dozed off. Happy New Year in sleep (gosh, I will sleep throughout the year now)
Morning I woke up fully recharged.

Now I know I can at least spent sometime by myself. The big test is yet to be taken.

ps: This is post number 200 here at in search of UTOPIA. Congrats to myself. I could keep the enthu going for so long.